Struggling

I thought about this for some time before I started writing. Do I want to share this part of my life, should I share this part of my life? Then I realized I need to share this part if nothing else then to put it down in black and white and release it from my soul. The last couple months have been hard on me as a parent they have broken parts of my heart that I didn't know existed. I am standing on the sidelines of my sons life and watching him spiral out of control. I have tried to help, I have tried to rescue but I think there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if helping is the right thing to do?

I have had to examine myself lately, not always something one wants to do. I have realized that no I didn't have an instruction manual for my children but I am not a bad parent. I was always there and loved unconditionally I think deep down that is all that matters.

When do our children's choices stop being a reflection of who we are as parents? I guess this is what I struggle with. When we see a toddler or a teenager throwing a fit in a store most people think "Wow those parents need to get a grip" they never think "Wow that child needs to fix themselves" Does this change when they reach a certain age, when are they the masters of their issues? I mean the law sees them as adults at the magic age of 18 so should we see them that way even if their actions don't reflect things adults would do?

In the last two months I have watched my son spirally slowly down knowing that when it finally hits, not today, not tomorrow maybe not even months from now, it will be hard it will hurt and no band-aid in the world will fix some of the choices that have been made. I know he thinks we are wrong/controlling but it is like playing tug-o-war and knowing that if you let go of that rope the person pulling against you is going to fall and get hurt, all I want to do is protect him but..............................I am letting go.