Struggling

I thought about this for some time before I started writing. Do I want to share this part of my life, should I share this part of my life? Then I realized I need to share this part if nothing else then to put it down in black and white and release it from my soul. The last couple months have been hard on me as a parent they have broken parts of my heart that I didn't know existed. I am standing on the sidelines of my sons life and watching him spiral out of control. I have tried to help, I have tried to rescue but I think there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if helping is the right thing to do?

I have had to examine myself lately, not always something one wants to do. I have realized that no I didn't have an instruction manual for my children but I am not a bad parent. I was always there and loved unconditionally I think deep down that is all that matters.

When do our children's choices stop being a reflection of who we are as parents? I guess this is what I struggle with. When we see a toddler or a teenager throwing a fit in a store most people think "Wow those parents need to get a grip" they never think "Wow that child needs to fix themselves" Does this change when they reach a certain age, when are they the masters of their issues? I mean the law sees them as adults at the magic age of 18 so should we see them that way even if their actions don't reflect things adults would do?

In the last two months I have watched my son spirally slowly down knowing that when it finally hits, not today, not tomorrow maybe not even months from now, it will be hard it will hurt and no band-aid in the world will fix some of the choices that have been made. I know he thinks we are wrong/controlling but it is like playing tug-o-war and knowing that if you let go of that rope the person pulling against you is going to fall and get hurt, all I want to do is protect him but..............................I am letting go.

You should listen when I talk

OK I am willing to try anything to get people to do the right thing......call it the educator in me, I don't know.
I have a huge pet peeve with not being able to change the toilet paper roll I mean you sit there and look at it, you use it, you know the next person in that position is going to need it, WHY can you not change the roll when it is empty?? I hate this so much that not only is there a roll on the wall but there is a standing roll holder so there should be two rolls at all times or at least one....now does this sound complicated? I didn't think so but my family seems to think it is.
I have tried yelling, I have tried begging, I have tried reminding, I have even done demonstrations.
Then I tried toilet paper origami I would post a picture but really it wasn't that good, my thought was if I did something fun with each new roll people would be excited to put on the next roll and see what would happen, instead they just told me that my T.P. art sucked well you should have told me it was beautiful even if it wasn't cause this is what I did next...........
I was about to use the bathroom and realized that the standing roll was empty and the wall roll had enough for maybe two people. I went and got a marker and after I had used my share off the roll I then unrolled what was left and wrote a note....this is what it said
"You are SOL if you need more paper then this. (and they would I didn't leave enough for anyone) Bet you are wishing right now that you had put a new roll on the other holder??? Did you learn anything?" I then rolled what little paper was available back on the roll and said nothing to no one
I then took the Kleenex and extra toilet paper out of the bathroom. It did not take to long before I heard screams of desperation and laughter from the bathroom.
I don't know if this worked or not but at least everyone will think about it when they get to the end of the roll

Tears of Joy

I cried today.....
just like the day I cried when you where born
I cried today
just like your first day of school
I cried today
just like the day you graduated
I cried today
when you drove away
They are all tears of joy milestones that mark your growing-up, so hard to give them roots and wings and so proud of what they are becoming

You might be a redneck if???

OK I don't usually re-post something that someone else wrote but this is so funny I had to share partly because I know people that I could see trying this:

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl it's a pollice roadblock!!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!"
"Don't worry Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What?" asked Bubba
"Just let me do the talkin',OK" said Earl
Well they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock the sheriff said "You boys been drinking?"
"No Sir" said Earl "We're on the patch"

OK right now your thinking one of to things. You are either thinking OMG I know people like that or dang that is a good idea I'll have to try that..... if it is the second one then you might be who I was thinking of when I read this joke.

Growing Pains

I think the toughest thing about being a parent sometimes is learning when not to be one or in other words letting go so they can grow. I really wish that our kids came with manuals so that when they did something you knew exactly what to do to fix it or how to correct it. The last couple weeks have been trying as a parent to say the least. Our oldest is an adult still living at home, yes in this day and age with the cost of everything this makes sense. He gets his college degree and saves money while living at home. They forget to tell you how hard this will be. Someone forgot to include in my imaginary "How to Raise my Child" manual what you do with an adult child living at home. Do your old rules still apply? Do you make new rules? Then if you make new rules do they get a say in the rules?
You see his friends all moved out to apartments, houses or dorms. They get to drag themselves in at 3 a.m. or not come home at all without their parents having heart attacks, mainly because their parents don't know...unfortunately when you still live at home you don't get this privilege. We are struggling to give our child wings without giving ourselves ulcers. The conclusion that we have come to is that above anything you must respect each other if respect starts to slip then it is not two adults discussing what will be going on Friday night but parent/child discussing what will happen.
We have come to find that at this point if respect is present then the rules are created by both parties as we go, not having a manual kind of makes this the way it has to be. I would really have to say that to be the oldest child really sucks when your the pioneer for what is right and wrong.
Then their is the middle child she is struggling to figure out who she is and how to get the attention that she wants on her terms. She is growing and wanting more freedom but still wants to be the little kid at times, this is hard for parents at which time do I hug you and at which time does your moody outburst mean you need left alone...so confusing.
The youngest sits and watches she sees the other two make mistakes get in trouble and is wise enough to file that away as not to make the same mistake they made. This makes her more dangerous then the other two in the fact that she now has ammunition in store like what to say or what to do to get out of certain situations.
I just wish that they understood that every time they leave the house it is like having my heart walk around outside my body without being able to make sure it is safe at all times. So I ask that God give me strength to survive their growing years, allow me the ability to find humor in whatever happens and the ability to remember that being a good parent doesn't always make me the popular parent.

Life

Life has a way of getting away from me I can't believe that it is almost the middle of March. Allissa turns "16" the 18th of March, it is so hard to think of her being gone to college in just a couple of years. I would love to tell you that amazing things have been happening in our house but honestly we have just been trying to survive illness, Kaylee has had it the worst and just can't seem to shake it. I think we have seen the people at the doctors office more this winter then we have in three years. Then this is the first year that my dogs have had the flu also nothing better then kids throwing up and dogs with diarrhea, worst experience ever!!!
I am looking forward to Spring Break I am getting together with some of my girlfriends from high school we invited about 15-20 people and I think we are at about 10 for those coming it should be a great time. We all have incredibly busy lives and we have all had our bumps in the road over the last year so we thought it would be good to get together for a little girl time, decompress and just spend time laughing and reminiscing. I know I have things to share as my kids get older they do so many things that we did when we where there age. I know they have to make their own mistakes but I have sent my mother multiple e-mails telling her how sorry I was for giving her gray hair.
It is time to shop for livestock super excited to go find the next great one! It also gives Duane and I time on our own for some of the trips, I love spending time with my kids but I am a true believer that every marriage needs some date time ours just happens to not be over candlelight but with one of us saying what do you think of the but on that one. Yes I am sure someone out their thinks we need counseling :)

February can we skip it next year

Well to say February was dull would be far from the truth, we survived that is what I will say....Yay us. We have had 3 rounds of strep throat, Influenza B, and my dad had double bi-pass heart surgery and this would be one year without my grandma. My mom wants to skip February next year wonder if that is possible?
I had to face some things this month with my dad having heart surgery mainly that my parents are human. It was kinda scary to realize that people that you thought would always be there could be snapped away in an instant. Yes I am old enough to know that we all came with an expiration date stamped on us but it is another thing to think about that fact or to have it pushed in your face. I also realized that as much as I empathize with my husband or my mom over the loss of their parents, I don't have a clue what it is like to not be able to pick up the phone and call them or ask stupid questions just to reassure yourself that your right and that they will be in your court. My dad is fine and hopefully I won't have to hang my toes off that bridge anytime soon a little scare was enough for now.